Dazed and Confused

Ok -

so yes.....

this is London's 6th grade school picture.

Jay and Shari? Where are you when I need you?

This is what her pictures look like every year.

She has this phobia about smiling.

Doesn't seem to know HOW to smile anymore.

You'd think her parents were avid photographers or something

who made her pose constantly.

This is SO not true.

But -

even with practicing at home, we cannot get it right.

Actually, this is what I feel like most days.

London has completely captured my feelings and expression down perfectly.

Most days, I feel like I am overwhelmed by time.

Time is not my friend.

Time ticks away and NEVER thinks of me.

There is never enough time for me in a day

and I hate it.

Most of the time, I cannot believe the work day is over and it is time to start dinner.

Then without remorse, time moves relentlessly into evening time.

And then the day is over.

Sigh.......

What is the answer for this?

Anyone know?

Because I NEED more time.

Barbi has my name for Christmas.

Barbi - I want time.

Find it for me and buy it.

I don't care how much it costs.

I can't wait to unwrap my precious time on Christmas morning.

October Indian Summer

Yes, it is October Indian Summer here in Texas.

I love Indian Summer and I love October - so I will group them together and give them a new name. 'October Indian Summer.'

And four years ago, my dad died on a beautiful, crisp October day.

It was glorious Indian Summer and I will always remember that day.

Bright, warm sun - mixed with a cool breeze blew crispy leaves all over the yard.

I love to sit and watch the leaves blow around - dancing around in circles.

I'm glad I have that memory when I think of my dad.

It makes me smile and actually take the time to sit and enjoy the day.

To enjoy the moment and look back to remember my father.

He was such a comforting presence in my life.

I remember that day like it was yesterday.

Afterwards, I immediately wrote a poem because I felt him so close and so strong inside me.

I wanted to capture that feeling.

And when I read my poem, it takes me back so vividly.

It feels as if four years hasn't even gone by.

I love you dad. Watching movies is not the same without you.

I wish so bad I could call you up and talk to you about current great movies or even better - go to one with you.

I hope my dad is sitting somewhere quiet, surrounded by all the dogs he's ever loved and looking down on me and smiling.

I miss you dad.

I miss your smile, your laugh and your humor.

October 17, 2006

It was October.

The sun warm

the sky blue

and the breeze

cool and crisp

flowed through open windows

and into my house.

Although ready for my mother’s call -

I wasn’t.

My dad was gone.

His slow breathing

simply evaporated

like faint morning mist.

Swept up in the wind

he disappeared into the clouds.

I stumbled

needing to hear his favorite songs.

Lost in the volume

I watched my three year old

dance, twirl and laugh to the music.

I knew he was with me.

I felt him with every emotion.

Every tear

released memories

and slid down my face.

Riding free from pain

on fresh new wings

my father breathed with the wind

and wrapped himself around me.

Swallowing sorrow

I smiled,

as my daughter danced

unknowingly

in the arms of her grandfather.

The Trauma of Tiaras

Today we went to a pageant with Haven. Do not worry. I am NOT getting Haven into pageants. This is NOT what is happening.

Just so you know.

I took her because there was a talent portion of the pageant and she wanted to sing.

Haven loves to sing - and she will sing anywhere.

She sang, "You Belong With Me' by Taylor Swift.

She did not win. At least not the talent portion.

The "Talent Portion" of Haven's age group was won by a little girl won who has been in pageants "since she was 3." I know this because her mother proudly boasted to me.

I wanted to slap this mother. This stupid, materialistic lady.

Why these women need their little girls to win stupid pageants amazes me.

Like they will somehow be loved and glorified by these wins? Did they not have ANY crumb of self esteem when they were young. Very sad....... very sad indeed.

And the little girl who won had elaborate outfits with hugely expensive shoes, boots or a hat for EACH new section of the pageant.

I know, I know ........ this is how it's been done forever - but it does not make it right.

It's sick and wrong and shouldn't be allowed to happen.

This little girl sang "I Wanna Be A Cowboy Sweetheart." And dressed in a little cowgirl outfit (with a hat and everything) - she TOTALLY sang off tune through the whole song.

And please know that I am not just saying that because she was competing against Haven.

Of course I am biased....... BUT she was off tune. I shot video of her performing to show Geoff and London back home - I will pop it onto this blog later and let YOU decide. For the entire melody of the song, she was off tune - BUT she yodeled the choruses and was on tune.

That I cannot understand or explain.

BUT she was loud, (she projected well) and she she moved around like a real little performer. Haven stood like a normal little girl who was singing in front of a crowd (and was a bit shy.)

Oh well, I'd rather have that then an Eloise prancing into the living room to perform for every visitor.

Wait! I already have that with London anyway. And when London is like that - then I have that with Haven too.

When they announced the winners, this little girl was sweeping the tiaras in all the categories.

Haven knew it too. I watched Haven slowly shrink lower and lower in her chair and her head was dropped defeated down to her chest. Then she began wiping her eyes.

I creeped over to Haven and tried to cheer her up.

I was telling her "it was ok and not to cry" - when they suddenly announced Haven's name.

We stood up in surprise and Haven darted around me and skipped to the stage. I aimed the video camera and caught her quick moment - where it would be saved for time and all eternity for her to watch.

I was so happy for Haven!! By this point, I would have paid $1000.00 for any type of win in the pageant and a cheap dollar store tiara. You would have too if you'd seen Haven's crestfallen little face.

Actually, Haven received her win (and tiara) for best in the 'Beauty' category for her age group. I wanted to hug the woman responsible for Haven winning (AND was feeling very good about the win being the Beauty category) .... I always knew my girls took after their Mama.

So we now have a newly crowned princess skipping around the house and cradling her sparkly tiara.

Haven is so happy and proud. And I am proud of her.

I have included the video of her singing in this blog.

And in MY mind, Haven was the best singer there.

Look out little yodeling cowgirl.

Someday you will be an average adult - washed up yet conceited with big hair, a year-round, fake tan and you will need constant praise and affirmation to get you through the day.

Haven on the other hand - will be making TONS of money - singing, traveling, shooting music videos and taking care of her Mama.

And taking care of Mama is all that really matters. Hmmmmmmm?

Mansfield Hometown Idol Competition 2010

Well - here is my competition song - "Love Me Like A Man" by Bonnie Raitt. I was up against Heather, who sang - "You Light Up My Life," and Cliff, who sang a song I wasn't familiar with....... and I won!!

Half of me KNEW I could win...... because I wanted to SO badly AND because I believed in me SO much.

And the OTHER half of me - was TOTALLY shocked that I did win.

It's just that I haven't sang for like 20 years!!

AND when I tried out for the competition - it felt like I was SINGING for the first time in FOREVER!!!

So when I say, ....... I can't BELIEVE I WON - believe me....... I REALLY can't believe that I won!!!!

Ok,....... so NONE of this makes sense to any of you.

But it doesn't matter. It makes sense to me.

And it matters to me.

All that really matters is that something deep inside me.... something that had died and gone to sleep YEARS ago..... has re-awakened.

That something that calls to me...... that makes me listen and open my eyes wide...... that same something that makes me feel young and free

and feels like....... the Lori I knew LONG ago..... has been re-born!

Here I come world - make way for ............ Lori!!

Just kidding.

And that is all that really matters.

All the people that have ever made me feel afraid, ..... intimidated, .......... insecure, .........

none of that matters now.

And even thought I was a complete psycho for 2 weeks while doing all this

(just ask my husband who has begged me never to do anything like this again...... because he had to LIVE with me while I was a frantic lunatic)

I can now hold my head up high and say....... I won.

I am the Mansfield Hometown Idol of 2010.

Just wait till I add that to my resume.

I am just so very proud of myself AND excited.

The fact that my girls are SO MUCH MORE EXCITED ABOUT IT THAN ME ....... makes it even better.

I will post the other 2 songs that I had to sing, along with the contestants that were up against me. This way you can see what my competition was.

I know you SO want to see it all.

So stay tuned for all that.

Tonight, we picked up our free Karaoke Machine from Best Buy. It was a portable one like a getto blaster.

It has DVD, CD, Karaoke, Am/Fm, capabilities on it. Hooks up a mike, and with a certain cord into your car - can play DVD's in the car to watch while driving. TOTALLY COOL.

I have a $50. gift card from Best Buy, and I also won $100.00 cash.

I got a trophy (which Haven has been carrying around the house like it's a 'get transported from earth and automatically be translated into the Celestrial Kingdom FREE Card ......."

It is so cute to watch Haven. She is so excited for me.

Speaking of Haven, ........

she actually has the opportunity to enter a little pageant.

It's a first time pageant where she would have to wear a nice dress (we luckily have a few from when Barbi the shopping Queen bought beautiful dresses for LONDON to wear on our cruise years ago ....) AND it has a talent portion of the pageant. (Perfect for Haven)

And IF she wins - she would get a tiara and a banner.

Haven is SO into this idea - so stay tuned.......

there MAY be more announcements to make in the near future.

Don't Rain On My Parade

Well, ....... for all of you wondering how I did in that singing thing..... (you know, the Pecan Festival that I had to sing for?)

Well, it was cancelled last Saturday because of torrential rain.

I was ALL set, ......

I had calmed my jittery nerves ...... (yeah, right!)

But I was ready.

Then it had to rain on my parade.

By mid-day, the rain had stopped. And although the sky was overcast - the day was nice.

All day long, I kept looking at the clock thinking, "I would have been performing in ONE hour."

Or "Right now, I would be performing."

Or "You know,...... by this time - I would have been DONE!"

But no........., fate would not have it.

It seems I would have to stress and freak out ALL OVER AGAIN when this thing was rescheduled.

Well, it is rescheduled.

It is tomorrow night.

And NOW......... the performance will be at the old local theater downtown.

So, instead of me singing while families would have been casually sitting on the grass while eating a picnic lunch and little Jimmy would have been scampering around and chasing butterflies......... NOW........ I will be singing on a stage while the audience sits quietly with their attentive eyes staring up at me. I will be bathed in a stark spotlight. And I will be freaking!!

No need to panic at all. No, no, no........ there is absolutely no need.........

AND instead of singing 1 song (which took an act of GOD for me to find, rehearse and feel semi-comfortable with) we all now have to sing 3 songs. Oh! The horror of it all........

Everytime I practice my songs - my heart beats so violently - I feel like it will leap out of my throat and choke me. No matter what I do - no matter what I tell myself - I CANNOT calm my crazy, beating heart.

The woman in charge called last night. She wanted the names of my THREE songs. I asked her when I was going on. She told me that in my category (the older and decrepit category) I was last.

Wonderful. So I get to wait while 3 finalists in 3 categories sing.

And then last (but certainly not least......) comes me.

Oh no. There should be NO problems with me waiting for 8 others to sing.

When I finally stagger onto that stage...... I will be a drooling, shaking, freakin' mess!

I am SO not looking forward to this.

If it had not rained - this would have been over and DONE a week ago!!!!

I normally love rain.

Today........ I am still holding a grudge.

The End of Innocence

Well,.... as innocence is dancing around like fairy dust in my sister Shari's house - innocence in MY house is gone.

(explanation: Shari blogged about how they bought the 3rd "Tinkerbell" movie and how her sweet, little Indiana (5 years old) loved it. But Indiana is all about fairies and princesses,.... magic and moonbeams,...... while at MY house...... well,..... things are very different.

At MY house - we look at life through REAL eyes.)

Shari's house,....... ballet lessons with pink tutus and ideas re: home schooling.

My house,..... TWO crazy, "Marley", 100 lb. yellow labs that rip and destroy anything left outside, all-consuming mud fights that make MOM insane, 11 year old hormones and the discovery of cute clothes, make up and BOYS, and a 6 year old that wants to create an art project even in her sleep.

(I'm actually considering putting a lock on my craft room door. Very tired of going into Haven's room to find bottles of leaking glue, .... sharp, scary scissors, .... reams of construction paper (cut up into small, creative shapes - everywhere), .... string and yarn stretched to all 4 corners of her bedroom, .... googgly eyes stuck and imbedded in her carpet, ..... small, colorful, EVIL beads that bite into my bare feet under the disguise of night, ..... do I really need to go on?

But anyway - innocence at MY house is gone. Yes, ..... gone for my sweet little London.

(sigh....)

Remember my previous post about London losing 3 teeth during her science class?

Well, she came home and using her new phone, .... she googled the tooth fairy.

Nice, huh?

It seems on her phone, she also discovered a 'tooth fairy app.'

Yes, ..... it seems for a mere .99¢ - you can have your child CALL the tooth fairy.

This set London's mind whirling.

She then informed me that she no longer believed in the tooth fairy.

I lied of course, and told her there really was a tooth fairy.

She squinted up her eyes and cocked her head at me.

I knew I was going to REALLY have to spew some good ones to make her believe. And believe me, I tried. But I know a lost cause when I see one.

She also informed me that she no longer believes in the Easter Bunny.

Uh oh,..... here it comes.......

But the funny things is - London came to this realization the day AFTER the tooth fairy left her $9.00 for her 3 teeth.

Could she possibly have figured it out a day earlier and saved me $9.00?

No. That would be too easy.

And so the next night, Haven started screaming for me minutes after I've already tucked her in, read her a story, let her get BACK up to get a drink of water, and she's wandered into Geoff and my room 3 separate times.

When I went in, I discovered that she had finally pulled out her 'month-long' loose tooth. WOW! How ironic. As the tooth fairy is dying over in London's room, .... here is Haven's room - she is suddenly re-born.

Funny how things turn out, huh?

And getting Haven back into bed after she had lost her FIRST TOOTH?

Yeah right.

If I ever needed propanol, it was then.

With Haven yelling, "this is the BEST day of my life EVER!" from her room, I sneaked into London's room to borrow some cash.

Why is it that teeth always fall out at night? Just minutes before bedtime?

Of course, London thought THIS was 'way cool." She liked the thought of being involved in all the action, and LOVED the power of lending me money even more.

Especially since she was actually lending the "tooth fairy" money.

The next morning when Haven found $9.00 under her pillow, she could NOT keep from chanting over and over to London, "I got $9.00 for ONE tooth! You got $9.00 for 3 teeth!"

Hopefully, she DOES understand that this is a special occasion - because it is her FIRST tooth.

And when London got home from school the next day, she informed me that she no longer believed in Santa Claus.

Boy, that was quicker than I thought. Geoff and I thought she would maybe last until Christmas - but we did not expect for it to happen the very next day.

Apparently, she must have also found a Santa app.

I tried to convince her that the tooth fairy and the Easter Bunny were invented by greedy business owners who simply wanted to sell more things. I told her how Santa had SO many different names and how he was known by thousands of people for centuries!!

She said, "Mom,... it says online that there is NO Santa."

I came back with, "Oh yeah? ...... Well, it also says online that there is no God. Are you gonna believe that?"

Nice comeback mom.

And I really did have her believing again.

Then Geoff came home.

London attacked Geoff at the door and informed him about her doubts. Just like she did to me earlier - she asked him point blank if there really WAS a Santa Claus? (I am such a better liar than Geoff.)

He sat down on her bed and told her everything.

Traitor.

London then paraded into my room with a big smile and told me how 'sneaky' I am.

I informed her that she has NO idea just how sneaky I am. I explained how I was just trying to keep her believing - because that's the 'magic' of it all. She had no idea that once she stops believing, a part of her childhood would be dead. An innocence would be gone - and it would never ever be the same again.

London nodded and I think she understood.

But I know that I was more sad than London was. Flopping down on our bed, I told Geoff how sad I was. I couldn't believe that London no longer believed in Santa.

An hour later, London came slowly into our room. Passing Geoff's side of the bed, she crumbled into my arms. Tears were rolling down her face.

"Mom, ..... I can't believe there is no Santa Claus," she confessed, holding me tight.

I held her and told her that's why I didn't want her to know the truth. For a few minutes, we just held each other, while she sniffed in the darkness.

Trying to make things better, Geoff explained how she could now be a part of it all. She could now help to create the magic for Haven.

She thought about this for a second before pulling away from me. I thought she was leaving, but no, ....... this new thought had sent her mind whirling once again.

In the darkness, she suddenly had an idea. "Hey!.... now that I know, ...... can I be the one who pretends to be Santa during the night and takes bites out of the cookies?"

Don't worry. London will be all right. It seems that everything is back to normal ........

The Changing of Seasons

Well,..... I guess you can tell what season it is at OUR house.

Yes - it is obviously grasshopper mating season.

I saw these two and decided to test the clarity of the camera in my new iphone.

A few things I find interesting about the grasshoppers are:

•The males are much smaller than the females. (And obviously lighter in weight.....)

•And it seems that when lady grasshopper has had enough - she simply shoves the male grasshopper away - and ends the whole process.

Now that's what I'm taking about!!

Geoff's comment when he saw this video.......

Geoff: "Wow! Look at how her legs are hinged like that! She moved her legs back 180º!"

Then with a provocative wink added, "Baby,...... can YOU do that for ME?"

Men. Pigs. Swine.

Me: "Sure honey,..... when you're done taking out the trash and cleaning up all of your disorganized man piles - you just come and find me. I'll be sure to rotate my legs for you,......"

....... and my foot and my fist,......

...... and at WHICH body part do you want me to rotate my legs towards?"

But there ARE other seasons going on at our house.

London is NOW in 6th grade. She wears a bra, has braces, wears eyeshadow and lipgloss.

I can almost handle the development of breasts,..... but where did wearing of make-up come from?

For anyone who KNOWS London - they will know that she is the biggest Tom-boy EVER! Before 6th grade, her idea of make-up was fresh mud from the river in the backyard. Discovering London, Haven and Lauren (the BFF neighbor next door) at my back door CAKED in half wet/half dried-on mud - from their heads to their toes - was always a shear thrill for me. Most of the time I was just a pair of angry arms to drape their completely stained, brown clothing on as they stripped by the back door and ran past me for the shower.

So London now has baby breasts - AND she has installed Sterling Knight's picture on her phone.

(Oh yes,..... that is another change in our house - London has her own phone.)

Two days ago, London lost 3 teeth during her science class.

I know,...... how does one naturally lose THREE teeth in an hour?

I have no clue.

Possibly her braces were putting a strain on them.......?

Her dentist was already eyeing them. He had said, "It's time for them to come out."

So maybe, she is a bit psycho (like myself) and sat there wiggling them,...... pushing at them, prodding at them,..... until they DID come out.

Anyway - she lost 3 teeth. And after school she waltzed around with these teeth in a zip-lock bag.

Haven was very envious.

Haven, who has informed us that she has "waited 6 long years for ONE of her teeth to come out.

But the nice thing was - Haven actually HAD a loose tooth.

It's just that Haven's tooth has been loose for a good month.

And not being the obsessive, psycho (that London and I naturally are) Haven has taken her time with this tooth.

She has BARELY wiggled it,... hardly pushed it, and nearly NEVER prodded.

I was thinking we would be lucky if this tooth came out by her birthday (which is in January.)

I started dinner and tried to ignore the chanting of, "I have a bag with threeeeeee teeth,..... tooth fairy's coming to seeeeeeee meeeeeee,..........

I'm getting lots of moneeeeeeeey!"

While Haven stomped and wailed in harmony, "That's not fair! I want MY tooth to come out! I want the tooth fairy to come to me too!"

And once dinner hits, evenings at our house become a blur.

There's making sure homework is done, baths or showers, combing out hair, pajamas, TV time for the girls, making sure dessert is eaten BEFORE "Bedtime!" is called out.....

I know it sounds simple, but it's not.

That family on TV that has 19 kids (and quotes the mother as saying she is ready for more.....) is completely insane. I mean, look at how psycho I am with only 2.

If I were that woman, I'd be pulling my hair out.

Seriously!

My head would look like a molting parrot (or one that obsessively plucked at its own feathers in delirium!)

The light in my eyes would be similar to that of an overworked Walmart cashier during Christmas, and I would be on more medication than Anna Nicole Smith, Michael Jackson and Lindsay Lohan combined.

To my sisters Judi and Barbi who each have 4 kids - you both get an invisible brownie button in my book. Just thinking about it makes me,......

No........

I don't even want to think about it.

I'd rather have a colonoscopy then even imagine it.

Anyway,...... I awoke at 4 am and suddenly remembered London and her 3 teeth.

In the dark, I began a desperate search for cash.

(The tooth fairy,....... remember?)

I managed to find $9.00. She DID have 3 teeth!

(I would be curious to know the going rate on teeth these days. If anyone out there is simply giving away quarters for teeth - than I am OBVIOUSLY paying out WAY too much!)

I slipped the money under her pillow and staggered back to my room.

But not before wacking my thigh on the bedframe.

I swear that bedframe is alive.

I KNOW it shifts slightly from left to right- because I always nail my body against it.

"Ooooomph!" I gasped, rubbing my leg.

That'll leave a mark.

Psycho vs. Courage

It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before - to test your limits - to break through barriers..... 'author unknown'

This is what I am telling myself...... every second........ of every day - for the next 2 agonizing weeks.

I know, I am psycho - I admit it. But to be aware of your shortcomings is the first step. Many lost souls simply walk through life and never know they are psycho. I take solace in my knowing,.... in my accepting.... and in my admitting. I am at peace with this knowledge.

The reason for my sudden psycho-ness? The 25th Annual Pecan Festival. It is scheduled for Sept. 25. And it is here in Mansfield, TX.

There will be Bake-offs, prizes for the best lemon meringue pies, 5k runs (Barbi you should come!), food galore, games like horse shoes (yes,.... we ARE in Texas...) and lastly......... a very exciting singing competition called the 'Home Town Idol Competition.'

Since MY girls LOVE to sing and lately I have been encouraging them more and more to sing, I thought, "what a lovely way to bond even more - through singing....."

There are 3 categories in this contest. London and Haven both fall into the 12 and under age category, then there's the 13-17 age category, and lastly - the 18 to elderly and decrepid category. I fall into this one. And since it has SERIOUSLY been 20 years since my young, fresh, perky, energetic, lean limbs have scrambed onto a stage and eagerly belted out confident notes - full of strength and hope - I find myself a BIT anxious,.......JUST a bit....... yeah.... a little bit.....

Oh! I didn't tell you the whole story? Sorry, .... well then.....let's back up. All three of us auditioned. London, Haven and I (Oh! and Danielle across the street - this is London's friend.) We all traipsed down to the local old time theatre on Main Street (where plays and productions take place - not movies or films.) We sat down in old, squeaky, pull down chairs and stared at the closed, red velvet curtain drawn across the silent stage. Parents were sitting with their children, whispering quietly - it was a very anxious few minutes before someone in charge stood up and announced what we were to do.

"When you hear your name, please go onstage, state your name loudly, your age and what song you will be singing." (We were only to sing acapella - and only for about 30 seconds.) I supposed in that small amount of time, one could tell if we were yodeling slack-jawed yokels, awkwardly bellowing out mating calls to the longhorns in the local fields - and that we did NOT belong here.

With a sharp click, a spotlight suddenly illuminated the lone microphone stand on the stage and the theatre dimmed. My heart hammered loudly, anticipating the first unfortunate victim.

A name was called out, and a dark haired girl rose from her chair in the front row. She looked about 13 - was sort of frumpy,... and overly excited, she moved quickly. As she passed in front of the stage, she suddenly tripped - and fell FLAT on her hands and face.

Seriously - she went down like a pro doing some sort of stunt. And as if it was all part of her performance, she landed with her arms and legs out at her sides - FLAT on the floor. We all gasped. Instantly, she was on her feet telling us, (almost pleading with us) that 'she was ok.'

Melting into my chair, I could barely look at her - I felt SO BAD for her. As she climbed the stairs to the stage, we all just stared - our mouths still gaping open from her humiliating 'splat' on the concrete floor. As the silence stretched around her, she stood for a moment, her hand touching the microphone, and then she announced her name and age. She WAS only 13. Poor thing.

As I watched her, my mind raced. I would've tucked my tail and ran for the hills! Man! I had to give that girl some credit. But she didn't just announce her name. She amazed us even further by giving a little speech.

"Since I love America and tomorrow is the anniversary of 9-11, I am going to sing the National Anthem," she announced.

Obviously, her embarrassing 'splat' had certainly not squelched her American pride. And then she sang - and she was really good. She was like a Disney Kid with the trills of notes going up, down, tucked under and held,.... her notes skipped, dipped, rose........ dove, they climbed,..... it was like listening to Mariah Carey when she goes on and on and on - creative and artsy - and you just wish she would sing it the normal way or hurry up and finish it already! But the girl was really good.

That's when I looked over at my kids and knew they didn't belong here. Now don't get me wrong - They LOVE to sing,..... and they're good. It's just that London sometimes sounds like a cat outside your window at night, who's howling at another cat outside your window..... (she's not really THAT bad) and little Haven.... well, she sounds like a gentle Munchkin singing a country song - or in other words, Dolly Parton on helium.

But they ARE very cute to watch.

Truth is: they are not Disney Kids - and this was an audition of Disney Kids on a sugar/steroid high. I was feeling very out of place myself.

Not to sound overly confident - but I have always been able to stay on tune and some have actually told me I had a really good voice.

But now, at 43, ...... need I say more?

I would've traded some of my blings back home in my jewelry box for some of these 15 year old's voices. (and their butts, for that matter.)

I was suddenly overcome with a desperate need to bribe London and Haven with the promise of donuts, hot chocolate and a years supply of pixie sticks if they would agree to give up this whole crazy idea and slink quietly out of the theatre.

But they really wanted to do this - and I really wanted to support them. So with motherly and unconditional love - and in a moment of PURE insanity - I had actually signed MY NAME to the audition list.

Yes,...... it is true. I am psycho.

You heard me correct.

Yes. I auditioned too.

I,.... who has not sang in public for over 20 years - signed my name. As if I would have NO problem doing this simple little thing,.... I took the pen and signed my name.

That was 20 minutes ago - and this was now.

Now, I could barely breathe knowing I was #5 and #1 (the patriotic Disney kid) had just finished.

Very quickly, it was London's turn. She sang, 'Love Story' by Taylor Swift - then I sang, 'Dreams' by Fleetwood Mac - and Haven sang, 'I Need You Now' by Lady Antebellum. And we ALL did really well. I was seriously impressed that they could do something so intimidating and scary. The whole time I sang, my hands were shaking and I had this 'deer in the headlight' sort of look on my face. When I took a breath, I could feel how every ounce of saliva in my mouth had instantly evaporated. My tongue felt like a dry, shriveled-up sponge. I tried to act like I wasn't having a heart attack, but every eye was watching me - and they knew. They knew I had just peed my pants.

But my girls - they simply walked up there, took the microphone, announced their name and sang - la la la la la..... as if they did this everyday.

A hour later - at home - I was still shaking. We were told that someone would call us Sunday IF we made it through to the next round. At this point, I was seriously praying that we didn't get a call.

Sunday we got the call.

And the verdict was: London and Haven did NOT make it.

But guess what?

I did.

Thud, thud,..... thud, thud,..... thud, thud,...... thud, thud,.......

THAT is the sound of my heart.

EVERYTIME I think about it, my face goes pale and my heart starts going crazy.

And since there were only 3 people trying out in the 'elderly and decrepid' category, I automatically MADE it into the final round.

THE FINAL ROUND will take place LIVE..... AT the Pecan Festival.

I cannot believe I have done this to myself.

Half of me is sort of excited,...... but the other half wants to set myself on fire so I will be laid up in the hospital when the 25th rolls around.

And yet I know - If I hadn't tried out, the whole time while watching the performers, I would be DYING to be up there.

But I also know, that NOW I WILL BE DYING - because the whole time I'm watching, I will KNOW that I am NEXT!

I know - I am a psycho. A complete psycho. Do not think I am NOT aware of this. Do you remember? I AM the one who admitted it earlier in this blog.

So, now I am scouring my list of songs that I know well, ......

that I possibly sing WELL,.....

and I am freaking.

I REALLY just want to call them up and tell them I've changed my mind.

But I don't want to show my girls that I am a quitter.

I REALLY just want to NOT stress about this for 2 weeks!

I really just want to quit.

But I can't.

So once again, I have gotten myself into something that will frazzle my brain and mess with my mind (and make me even more insane later.....)

Welcome to my world.

The world of an uncontrollable YET admitted psycho.

Won't you come on in?

Please make yourself at home.......

and stay for a while.

Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!

Ok - so it's been almost 2 years since I've last blogged.

But I've been REALLY busy!!

REALLY!

It's not that I haven't thought of sitting down and catching up - I really have. But then,.... something always seems to happen.

Something gets spilled, kids are screaming at each other down the hall, my two 100 lb. Marley's (yellow labs) are either digging out under the fence, chewing up their 34th lawn hose, knocking over the aluminum cans (and creating aluminum can confetti all over my lawn), chasing wild turkeys around the property, escaping through our automatic fence and high-tailing it towards Oklahoma or maybe the "houdini" goats have gotten out and are eating the only plant that has managed to survive in this God-forsaken 100 degree heat - my roses!

Today is the 17th day in a row of 100 degree heat.

"Help! I'm melting....."

Seriously, .... I really am.

Whatever the reason - I have thought about it and I vow to begin blogging again. I have really felt guilty about leaving my "loyal readers" hanging on - wondering and waiting for my next chaotic adventure.

(Yeah right! .... "Hello? ..... Loyal readers?.... Anyone out there?" ....

- resounding echo -

.... anyone out there?... anyone out there? .... anyone out there?.....)

And after all, I should have documentation for when they commit me to the local institution, shouldn't I? It would be nice to be able to prove that I'm not really crazy - just kind of crazy because of everything I am forced to put up with, right?

Right.

But,..... you all will have to sit tight for just a bit more.

Because I recently read a blog where the woman was emphatic about having her "me" time.

Now THAT is what I'm talking about!

And although the thought of "me" time brings to mind......

..... bonbons, bubble baths, glasses of wine, possibly a chick flick (at the theatre away from everyone and not at home shushing the kids as they play around me), perhaps even the fantasy of having $5,000 to simply blow at a gambling table while Matthew McConaughey rambles on next to me - in his delectable southern drawl talking about "how lovely I am" and "can he buy me a drink?"

MY simple "me" time must for now, consist of tugging on tennis shoes and grudgingly stepping onto my treadmill.

Which, by the way - has also not seen or heard from me for about the same amount of time.

Sorry to admit that,..... but there it is.

The simply truth is - I have fallen into a lazy slump.

I promise I will try harder.

That's all.