Psycho vs. Courage

It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before - to test your limits - to break through barriers..... 'author unknown'

This is what I am telling myself...... every second........ of every day - for the next 2 agonizing weeks.

I know, I am psycho - I admit it. But to be aware of your shortcomings is the first step. Many lost souls simply walk through life and never know they are psycho. I take solace in my knowing,.... in my accepting.... and in my admitting. I am at peace with this knowledge.

The reason for my sudden psycho-ness? The 25th Annual Pecan Festival. It is scheduled for Sept. 25. And it is here in Mansfield, TX.

There will be Bake-offs, prizes for the best lemon meringue pies, 5k runs (Barbi you should come!), food galore, games like horse shoes (yes,.... we ARE in Texas...) and lastly......... a very exciting singing competition called the 'Home Town Idol Competition.'

Since MY girls LOVE to sing and lately I have been encouraging them more and more to sing, I thought, "what a lovely way to bond even more - through singing....."

There are 3 categories in this contest. London and Haven both fall into the 12 and under age category, then there's the 13-17 age category, and lastly - the 18 to elderly and decrepid category. I fall into this one. And since it has SERIOUSLY been 20 years since my young, fresh, perky, energetic, lean limbs have scrambed onto a stage and eagerly belted out confident notes - full of strength and hope - I find myself a BIT anxious,.......JUST a bit....... yeah.... a little bit.....

Oh! I didn't tell you the whole story? Sorry, .... well then.....let's back up. All three of us auditioned. London, Haven and I (Oh! and Danielle across the street - this is London's friend.) We all traipsed down to the local old time theatre on Main Street (where plays and productions take place - not movies or films.) We sat down in old, squeaky, pull down chairs and stared at the closed, red velvet curtain drawn across the silent stage. Parents were sitting with their children, whispering quietly - it was a very anxious few minutes before someone in charge stood up and announced what we were to do.

"When you hear your name, please go onstage, state your name loudly, your age and what song you will be singing." (We were only to sing acapella - and only for about 30 seconds.) I supposed in that small amount of time, one could tell if we were yodeling slack-jawed yokels, awkwardly bellowing out mating calls to the longhorns in the local fields - and that we did NOT belong here.

With a sharp click, a spotlight suddenly illuminated the lone microphone stand on the stage and the theatre dimmed. My heart hammered loudly, anticipating the first unfortunate victim.

A name was called out, and a dark haired girl rose from her chair in the front row. She looked about 13 - was sort of frumpy,... and overly excited, she moved quickly. As she passed in front of the stage, she suddenly tripped - and fell FLAT on her hands and face.

Seriously - she went down like a pro doing some sort of stunt. And as if it was all part of her performance, she landed with her arms and legs out at her sides - FLAT on the floor. We all gasped. Instantly, she was on her feet telling us, (almost pleading with us) that 'she was ok.'

Melting into my chair, I could barely look at her - I felt SO BAD for her. As she climbed the stairs to the stage, we all just stared - our mouths still gaping open from her humiliating 'splat' on the concrete floor. As the silence stretched around her, she stood for a moment, her hand touching the microphone, and then she announced her name and age. She WAS only 13. Poor thing.

As I watched her, my mind raced. I would've tucked my tail and ran for the hills! Man! I had to give that girl some credit. But she didn't just announce her name. She amazed us even further by giving a little speech.

"Since I love America and tomorrow is the anniversary of 9-11, I am going to sing the National Anthem," she announced.

Obviously, her embarrassing 'splat' had certainly not squelched her American pride. And then she sang - and she was really good. She was like a Disney Kid with the trills of notes going up, down, tucked under and held,.... her notes skipped, dipped, rose........ dove, they climbed,..... it was like listening to Mariah Carey when she goes on and on and on - creative and artsy - and you just wish she would sing it the normal way or hurry up and finish it already! But the girl was really good.

That's when I looked over at my kids and knew they didn't belong here. Now don't get me wrong - They LOVE to sing,..... and they're good. It's just that London sometimes sounds like a cat outside your window at night, who's howling at another cat outside your window..... (she's not really THAT bad) and little Haven.... well, she sounds like a gentle Munchkin singing a country song - or in other words, Dolly Parton on helium.

But they ARE very cute to watch.

Truth is: they are not Disney Kids - and this was an audition of Disney Kids on a sugar/steroid high. I was feeling very out of place myself.

Not to sound overly confident - but I have always been able to stay on tune and some have actually told me I had a really good voice.

But now, at 43, ...... need I say more?

I would've traded some of my blings back home in my jewelry box for some of these 15 year old's voices. (and their butts, for that matter.)

I was suddenly overcome with a desperate need to bribe London and Haven with the promise of donuts, hot chocolate and a years supply of pixie sticks if they would agree to give up this whole crazy idea and slink quietly out of the theatre.

But they really wanted to do this - and I really wanted to support them. So with motherly and unconditional love - and in a moment of PURE insanity - I had actually signed MY NAME to the audition list.

Yes,...... it is true. I am psycho.

You heard me correct.

Yes. I auditioned too.

I,.... who has not sang in public for over 20 years - signed my name. As if I would have NO problem doing this simple little thing,.... I took the pen and signed my name.

That was 20 minutes ago - and this was now.

Now, I could barely breathe knowing I was #5 and #1 (the patriotic Disney kid) had just finished.

Very quickly, it was London's turn. She sang, 'Love Story' by Taylor Swift - then I sang, 'Dreams' by Fleetwood Mac - and Haven sang, 'I Need You Now' by Lady Antebellum. And we ALL did really well. I was seriously impressed that they could do something so intimidating and scary. The whole time I sang, my hands were shaking and I had this 'deer in the headlight' sort of look on my face. When I took a breath, I could feel how every ounce of saliva in my mouth had instantly evaporated. My tongue felt like a dry, shriveled-up sponge. I tried to act like I wasn't having a heart attack, but every eye was watching me - and they knew. They knew I had just peed my pants.

But my girls - they simply walked up there, took the microphone, announced their name and sang - la la la la la..... as if they did this everyday.

A hour later - at home - I was still shaking. We were told that someone would call us Sunday IF we made it through to the next round. At this point, I was seriously praying that we didn't get a call.

Sunday we got the call.

And the verdict was: London and Haven did NOT make it.

But guess what?

I did.

Thud, thud,..... thud, thud,..... thud, thud,...... thud, thud,.......

THAT is the sound of my heart.

EVERYTIME I think about it, my face goes pale and my heart starts going crazy.

And since there were only 3 people trying out in the 'elderly and decrepid' category, I automatically MADE it into the final round.

THE FINAL ROUND will take place LIVE..... AT the Pecan Festival.

I cannot believe I have done this to myself.

Half of me is sort of excited,...... but the other half wants to set myself on fire so I will be laid up in the hospital when the 25th rolls around.

And yet I know - If I hadn't tried out, the whole time while watching the performers, I would be DYING to be up there.

But I also know, that NOW I WILL BE DYING - because the whole time I'm watching, I will KNOW that I am NEXT!

I know - I am a psycho. A complete psycho. Do not think I am NOT aware of this. Do you remember? I AM the one who admitted it earlier in this blog.

So, now I am scouring my list of songs that I know well, ......

that I possibly sing WELL,.....

and I am freaking.

I REALLY just want to call them up and tell them I've changed my mind.

But I don't want to show my girls that I am a quitter.

I REALLY just want to NOT stress about this for 2 weeks!

I really just want to quit.

But I can't.

So once again, I have gotten myself into something that will frazzle my brain and mess with my mind (and make me even more insane later.....)

Welcome to my world.

The world of an uncontrollable YET admitted psycho.

Won't you come on in?

Please make yourself at home.......

and stay for a while.