It was in the middle of the night about a month ago. All of a sudden, my husband began flipping around like a fish out of water. Woken from a deep sleep, my first thought was that he was having a spastic seizure or something. Sitting up, he began slapping himself violently under the blankets. He now had my full attention.
Rolling over, I watched him through sleepy eyes. It seemed he was directing his slapping attack to his legs area. As if attacked by fire ants, he wiggled around and around convulsively, and if I remember correctly - I seem to recall small whimpering sounds coming from his mouth. Sitting up, I slowly lifted up the blankets to see what could possibly be attacking my husband. My husband is not a baby. My husband normally never complains. To hear his high pitched, girly moans, I knew something had to be under there. Suddenly, with a quick flick of his wrist, it looked like my husband scooped something out from under the blankets and sent it flying over me. The sound of a small tap came from my left side.
"What did you just do?" I asked, turning back to my husband.
Gyrating around, it looked like he was grimacing. "There was something climbing on me under the blankets!" He grunted, clenching his teeth together in obvious pain.
"Did it bite you?"
"I don't know! I didn't feel a bite, but something definitely happened!" He was shaking his head. "I felt something wet,.... I think that when I was slapping it,...... maybe I injured it and something inside of it leaked a wetness on me." In the darkness of our bedroom, my husband had had a crazed, confused look in his eyes. "Whatever it was,... it burns like fire! Do you think that's possible?" My husband looked at me. "That a bug could have spit out some kind of fire saliva that is making my skin burn and sting?"
As I lifted up the blankets again and peered inside, I could see that my husband was rubbing his "dangly."
NOTE: I know I said in "What I Would Do If I Were President - (Written by a 9 Year Old,") that I didn't think parents should teach their children words like "hoo ha's and danglies," but that's not we're talking about here. And HELL! I'm an adult here, and I can do what I want on my blog! And I don't feel comfortable talking about my husband's penis outright - so I will refer to it here forth as a "dangly". Any questions? Any problems? Good. Then, let's continue.
"A fire saliva?" I repeated, surely not hearing correctly.
"Yeah,...." My husband was nodding his head and inspecting his body parts.
"A bug that spits a fire saliva?" I said again, peering over the edge of the bed and trying to see whatever my husband had flicked on the floor. I peered into the darkness. I wanted to know what a bug that spit fire saliva looked like. "Turn on the light," I ordered, afraid to set foot on the floor.
"YOU turn on the light." My husband growled, grabbing his pillow and laying back down. "If you want to see it, then you turn on the light. I've already experienced it!"
For a few minutes I sat there actually fighting with myself about getting up and turning on the light. I really wanted to see the bug that was capable of spitting "fire saliva" on my husband's dangly. But laziness got the best of me, and I figured if the bug was real - then it would still be there in the morning. Right? I mean,.... surely a bug could not survive all that slapping around as well as an incredible hurl up against the wall? Tomorrow, I told myself sleepily. Tomorrow was another day.
The next morning, my husband was up before me (as usual.) Suddenly remembering the "bug incident" from last night, I sat up in bed. "So where is this bug that allegedly molested you in the night?" I called into the bathroom.
With purpose, my husband strode out of the bathroom and over to my side of the bed. With a piece of tissue in his hand, he bent down and preceded to pick up a little, black beetle from the carpet. With great pride, he held the bug out to me. Victory shone from his face.
"I've seen that kind of bug before," I told him. Bringing my head closer to the tissue, I tried to get a better look. Yeah,... it was the same type of small, black beetle that I found crawling across our floors quite often lately. Laying in the tissue with its little legs all shriveled up, I smiled to myself.
"What?" My husband asked, seeing my amusement.
"It's just that,.... " I smiled up at my husband now. "That's a pretty scary looking bug, honey." I said with sarcasm.
"Whatever." Trying not to smile himself, my husband marched back into the bathroom. I could see in his face that he still wasn't sure just what had happened to him during the night. Could it be? Could this bug possibly contain some kind of acid juices that stung and burned his dangly? Can a bug actually be capable of spitting out a fire saliva? "Whatever happened," my husband called out, "this is the bug." The flushing of the toilet made it final.
For a good week or so afterwards, my husband complained about the sore spot on his dangly. It burned. It stung. Now it felt like the skin was flaking off or peeling where the bug had been. I went online and looked for anything about fire salivating beetles. I couldn't find a thing. I did find a type of beetle that had a bitter taste to them. This survival mechanism was to help deter birds from eating them. Could this "bitter" liquid inside the bug possibly burn or sting anything it came in contact with? I had no clue. But whatever the reason for my husband's burning dangly,..... it remained a mystery.
Last night, I was cleaning up after dinner when my cat suddenly ran into the kitchen. Opening his his mouth, he spit out a small, black beetle. Hey! I thought..... That bug looks just like my husband's "dangly" bug. Squatting down, I inspected it closer. Lying completely still, the bug was obviously dead. Wait! I had an idea! Where had my cat gone? If I could determine that my cat was acting strangely after having this bug in his mouth, then we would finally know for sure!
I found my cat sitting on my bathroom floor and doing the strangest thing! I have raised my cat from a mere kitten, and I have had him 14 years - but I have never ever seen him do this type of behavior before. Sitting there, he was just shaking his head back and forth. At the same time, he was sticking out his tongue and moving it around and around like a psycho cat! It looked as if he had just tasted something horrible! Over and over again, I watched him stick out his tongue, open his mouth as wide as he could and shake his head around in circles. It was very obvious that something was definitely not right with my cat.
"Honey!" I yelled. "Come here quick!"
When my husband came into the bathroom, I explained what had happened. He listened while watching my cats strange behavior. Then I led him back to the kitchen to see the bug.
Putting his hands on his hips, my husband shot me a dry look. "It's nice to know you believe the cat, but not your own husband!"
"Honey! That's not true," I denied. "I believed you, but you know as well as I do that something is wrong with Mook! I pointed my finger. "Have you ever seen him do this before?"
At this particular moment, the bug suddenly came to life and darted across the floor. Obviously we were dealing with an intelligent bug, for he knew when "to get the hell out of Dodge!" Not only did it seem this bug might be bitter to the taste and could quite possibly have the super ability to spit out fire saliva,..... but he also was able to "scurry" with incredible speed.
"Get him!" My husband and I both yelled, diving towards the box of tissues.
The bug was caught and immediately dropped into the toilet. We stood watching him whirl around and around the toilet bowl. With a swoosh, the bug was gone. It was at that moment that I suddenly had the hindsight to think that I should've taken a picture of this mysterious bug. I could've posted the photo with this story. Because as far as my readers are concerned, I could simply have a very vivid imagination - (like in my other post, "Alien Invasion.")
Oh well,... perhaps I'll post the fire salivating beetle photo another time. Hopefully, I will find another one,... before it finds my unfortunate husband or my curious cat.
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