Hell has GOT to be better than this!

I know I still have to break down and tell the hellacious story of LICE that our family lovingly received from WHO KNOWS WHERE, but it is such an exhausting experience, that I have been procrastinating. Maybe when I'm 90 and after going through hypnosis, I will be able to pull it from the depths of my mind (where I have blissfully hidden it away) and relive it. But anyway,... yesterday I felt I could NOT catch my breath in my insane race of life, merely surviving, the ridiculousness of children, evil errands, being a mom, and did I say life already? After running all over the earth and back doing errands, trying to pacify Hannah with some kind of craft,.... making phone calls and being made to wait for HOURS while customer service reps put me on hold and (I seriously believe) they must lay their heads down and take a nap - and just slaving around the house, I finally took a deep breath and tried to stop my erratic heartbeat and keep myself from having a nervous breakdown.

Of course, I could NOT keep still and simply relax. I needed to vacuum. Had such a deep urge,... an obsession because I was sick and tired of wiping my bare feet onto my pant leg to remove debris that had collected on the bottom of my bare feet simply from walking across my carpet or kitchen floor. I turned on Christmas music, gently stoked the fire and began my new task. Oh! The sheer pleasure of losing myself in vacuuming! I felt my shoulders relax. I felt a smile began to replace the "I'm going to die right NOW!" scowl that lately has branded my face. I was in heaven.

When out of nowhere, my back door burst open and London whirled in from getting off the bus. With her powerful, usual hyperactive energy, she took a moment (just for extra effect...) and just stood there - staring at me. Oh no, I thought. What is it? Surely, even at this time of year - 7 days away from Christmas, there could not be another miracle in history! But by the look on her face, I clearly knew London was pregnant - at 9 without yet ever having her period! But hey,..... a miraculous conception has been known to have happened before, right? I waited for her bomb to hit as she stared me down, and then finally announced that the older sister of the girl across the street had lice. LICE? LICE did you say? I think by this time, I would rather hear that I had breast cancer all over again!! In fact,... I would give anything for London to actually BE pregant - at 9, (without yet having her period) before I wanted lice AGAIN!

And then as I stood in bare feet on my kitchen floor, the vacuum still gracefully held by my beautiful, motherly hand - Haven reached up and took a plastic cup from the counter. NOTE: This plastic cup contained a Christmas ornament London had made the night before by pouring PAINT inside a clear, ROUND, glass ball ornament. The ornament sat IN the cup upside down, to allow the PAINT to run out, thus giving the inside a chance to dry. PAINT had collected in the bottom of the plastic cup and my girls had been fascinated by this paint-dripping procession ever since. Every hour or two, they would run by the counter to peek at the extraordinary sight of this rare, but ever-so-unusual display of gravity. I need you to take extra notes now and let me know if you did listen carefully when I said the word paint... (Now back to our previously scheduled program.)

So, as Haven, with her small, innocent hands - reached up, and took this unusual (and of course, beloved) ornament from the counter, she accidentally squeezed a little too hard and sent the glass ball OVER the edge of its protective plastic cup. And this all happened so fast, almost instantaneously. I don't even remember Haven actually lifting the cup off the counter - it was as if it suddenly and magically just appeared in her hands. And as the glass ball cascaded over the edge of its plastic world, a small bomb suddenly exploded in my house. As the glass ball hit my kitchen floor, it shattered into a million shards of colorful glass and sent gooey blobs of wet paint everywhere.

I just stood there in shock. Paint dripped off the Christmas tree, trickled down my cabinets, ran down Haven's forehead, glistened from the cat's eyeballs and landed in creative drops and streaks across my kitchen floor. Glittering beautifully,..... on TOP of the wet paint blobs, were broken, sharp edges of glass - now stuck ON the paint as if they had been thoughtfully and purposely glued on with special care. I have to admit- as I stood frozen in one spot, not daring to trod into the delicate yet dangerous mine field of bizarre and curious shrapnel,... (remember, I had bare feet) - the thought, (although fleetingly) - suddenly screamed out in my already "fried" mind, "Hell HAS got to be better than this!"

I promise, I will let you know. I have personally called HELL, and after being put on hold for hours - (I am convinced that Satan's best customer service reps don't bother to take sneaky naps, but they actually pack up and go to college for four years and THEN maybe come back to answer your questions!) But I have called. I have seen all the brochures. And I will let you know what Hell is like. Although it cost me an arm, a leg, and one of my new breast implants,..... I have made reservations, and I am GOING! I will talk to you when I return - hopefully with a new outlook on life.